The One Phrase That Calms My Kids During Big Feelings

Welcome to Sanity Snacks: quick, snack-sized posts for busy moms with full plates.

I’m learning (the hard way) that parenting isn’t about finding the perfect thing to say. I’ll never respond like the Big Little Feelings team or Dr. Becky Kennedy 100% of the time. It’s always a work in progress. But I’ve noticed one little phrase that actually works for both my toddler and my big kid:

✨ “I understand you want… and I see you’re feeling…” ✨

That quick validation, just a second of acknowledging what they’re going through gives them a tiny pause. It doesn’t magically end the meltdown, but it does help them regulate and calm down enough for a short time to hear what I say next.

What’s been hard for me as a parent is realizing that saying the “right” thing doesn’t mean the tears or the tantrum stop. Sometimes it’s the opposite. Sometimes acknowledging feelings and then holding the boundary actually makes them more upset in the moment. And that’s when I have to remind myself: the goal isn’t a perfectly calm child, it’s a child who is learning boundaries. Kids need to experience disappointment. They need those small, everyday reminders that the world won’t always bend to their wants. As hard as it is to sit with their big feelings, these moments are what build resilience, patience, and emotional strength.

This past weekend at a restaurant, my 2-year-old wanted to grab my straw and surely do something I would deem “not restaurant appropriate”. My husband whispered, “Just let her do it,” but I knew this was one of those small boundary moments that matter. So I validated her, calmly held my boundary, and let her have her two-minute tantrum while strangers glanced over. Not fun, but one of those moments I decided was worth it.

And honestly, that’s the tug-of-war of parenting. In those little moments, letting them do x, y, or z sometimes feels easier, and maybe sometimes it is worth it. That’s why parenting is so exhausting: it’s the constant mental load of picking battles, deciding which boundaries matter, and just letting go sometimes so we can stay sane and let our kids live a little. What a journey it is to try and balance both.

Because these little moments add up. Disappointment, frustration, boundaries… they’re all practice for resilience. And honestly? That’s what I want most for my kids… and myself.

Let’s not lose our minds together,

Tori